Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Nick the Nice Guy: Part 1, or When Do You Know You're Not Interested?

If a guy's really nice, and not awful looking, and clearly really likes you, it's a good thing, right?

What if you've gone out with him a few times, and never felt that "spark"? How long do you give it before you figure out if you are ever going to be interested, or if it's a lost cause? 

I write about date night horror stories a lot, because they're way funnier than the stories about guys who just sort of fizzled out. But in the spirit of balanced reporting, I submit to you the story of Nick the Nice Guy. I'm kind of experiencing a similar situation with someone else right now... so I'm looking for a little clarity on this type of experience.

Nick the Nice Guy: Part 1

ASS Profile

Dating site: JDate

Fake name: Nick (the Nice Guy)
Age: 23
Job: Counselor, works with kids and teens.
Time frame: January and February of 2010

When I started chatting with Nick, I was very excited. Based on the pictures, he was cute, and had a similar sense of humor as I do, and we had tons to talk about. He was a gentleman. And an NJB (Nice Jewish Boy). I had high hopes. And then we had our first phone call.

To say I was slightly disappointed would be an understatement. His voice was completely the opposite of what I was hoping it would be. (See The Importance of the Voice.) It was not masculine. It was not sexy. And to top it off, it reminded me of a guy I'd liked in high school, who played games with my head. Not a connection I wanted to make with Nick.

Still, he'd called. We'd had a good conversation. He was still the same guy I'd been talking to online. So I went out with him for coffee.

Yes, he looked like his pictures. No deception. But, as anyone who has tried online dating knows, the discrepancy between a picture and a person can be enormous. The voice, the mannerisms, the facial expressions, all contribute to an overall person who may be a completely different person than you have been conjuring in your mind. And though I was attracted to online Nick, I wasn't attracted to in-person Nick.

Here's where my neuroses inner monologue kicks in.

Okay, I'm a little disappointed that I didn't feel an instant swoon. But he's a nice guy. A gentleman, even. He works with kids. He lives near me. He's my age. He's... well, I guess he's cute. There's no such thing as love at first sight, right? I gotta give him another chance.

So, when he calls me (or rather, texts me) and says he has tickets to a comedy show downtown, I give him another chance. Maybe the second time I'll be more about him.

In between the invitation and the show, he texts me. A lot. He is clearly very interested in me. Which kind of pushes me away a little more, since I am really unsure about my feelings at this point.

He drives. Driving downtown at night makes me nervous. We park about 2 blocks from the theater and start to walk. And then he makes the mistake of holding my hand.

You might be thinking, what?! Geez, give the guy a break! What's so bad about holding hands? It's about the tamest thing a guy can do! It shows he likes you! Respects you!

Hand-holding, to me, is one of the most intimate things two people can do. Yes, more intimate than a hug, than a kiss, than a blow job. Holding hands implies something. Not that those other acts don't imply something, but holding hands implies... ownership. This is MY girl. We are TOGETHER. We are holding hands in PUBLIC because we are in a RELATIONSHIP. 

In other words, holding hands is not meant for two people who have been on 1.5 dates, not even kissed yet. Especially not when one party has not felt the va-va-voom.

So we are walking around, I'm limply holding his hand, desperately wanting to take it back but not wanting him to be crushed or think I'm rude.

We go inside. We're early. I buy a glass (more like a clear plastic cup) of wine. Maybe I'll like him better when I'm tipsy. It is cheap wine. I don't get tipsy.

The show is hilarious. I freakin' laugh my ass off. Not literally; I still had an ass when the night was over. (As an English major, you will never hear me use the word "literally" if something is not literal. Yeah, the previous sentence has a misplaced modifier. Sometimes I choose to use improper grammar. But never will I use the word "literally" when something's figurative. Know the rules before you break them. Okay, I'm done now.)

He drives me home. Nothing eventful happens. He walks me to my door, and we hug, and he gives me a peck on the cheek, and I go inside, and I am still unsure.

After TWO dates, feeling no spark, just a lot of guilt for not feeling the spark when Nick so clearly feels a spark. How long does it take for the spark to develop? When do you know you're not interested?

Stay tuned for the THRILLING conclusion of Nick the Nice Guy, for my plea for advice about my current situation, and my justification as to why this bothers me so much.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

You looked better online.

I should buy this t-shirt and wear it underneath my clothes on every date with guys I meet online. Just in case.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Coincidences and Valentine's Day

My subscription to ends today, February 13th.

How appropriate.*

I don't actually care all that much about Valentine's Day. It's always been more about the candy for me than the men. Even when I had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, I didn't do romantic things. I sat onstage with a bunch of other women and talked about vaginas. I performed The Vagina Monologues in college each year on Valentine's Day. That must have been fun for my ex, to watch a girl power lovefest onstage on the most romantic day of the year.

Regardless, being single on Valentine's Day sucks. So I'm going to buy myself some candy and watch Castle. Mmmm, Nathan Fillion, you can be my valentine. - Valentine's Day is the perfect time to reflect on all your horrible dating choices since last Valentine's Day

*PS: I have decided to renew my subscription. For you, the readers. I only started this blog a few months ago. It'd be a shame to waste such fabulous writing potential.**

**PPS: Also Match offered me 6 more months for half the price.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Top 5 Dumb Things on Guys' Online Dating Profiles

You would think that if you've taken the time, and maybe the money, to do online dating, you would actually want to find some measure of success. Based on some of the things I've seen on guys' profiles on Match, this is in fact not the case.

So here is a list of the top 5 stupid things that I have seen guys write. All excerpts are real, unmodified (for the most part) passages from male profiles on

5. Sarcastic "fake" profiles

This is when guys apparently think it is funny to create a completely fake (at least I hope, dear Lord I hope) profile. Either they are doing it to show their equally mature male friends with no intention of getting a response, or they hope some girl will find it funny.

Exhibit 5:
   I will pay you if you date me! I am clingy, jealous, and have terrible hygiene. I hate activities. Also, I cry a lot...especially at barbecues (i don't know why). Interesting fact: I love exotic foods. When I was 12 I ate my little sister's guinea pig to see what it tasted like.
   On our date we can discuss many interesting topics such as how my uncles would take pictures of me in the shower. Please don't be a big talker, I like to talk about myself so try and stay quiet.
   I just got out of a five year relationship. If you are wondering why, it was court ordered. I beat her but it was her fault. She always forgot to raise her hand before she spoke and sometimes she would wear obscene outfits where everyone could see her ankles...what a slut.
   Here are some testimonials from previous dates:
   "He said he was going to call but his dog ate my number, then aliens took his dog. I believe him." -Bertha

And believe me, there's more.

Humorous? Sometimes. But will it get him a date? Doubtful.

4. Being too cocky

Confidence is important and sexy, and you do have to try to modestly describe your best qualities to a complete stranger. But there's a fine line between confident and cocky. You cross into cocky when, for example, you start telling girls how good looking you are, even when there is photographic evidence to the contrary.

Exhibit 4:
just look at my picture and tell me how i look to me im very handsome man
 This one's full of grammatical errors, too. It illustrates various "what not to do"s.

3. Telling us right off the bat what you DON'T want.

Yes, you gotta have standards, but it's an immediate turn-off to hear something negative. I don't want to be berated for potentially having qualities that you don't want in a mate.

Exhibit 3A:
I can smell drama and problems from far away, and i refuse to allow entrance.
Exhibit 3B:
I ... am not looking for games or anything of that nature I would rather everyone know this now.. and not to waste my time if your a cheater/ or liar
Oh, well, I was planning on playing games with you. And once I was done playing games I was going to cheat on you repeatedly as I lied about it. BUT, since you told me that you don't want that, I won't bother contacting you. Thanks for letting me know.

Though I understand the impulse to ward off certain types of people, this isn't the way to do it. People don't set out to be mean, and rather than achieving your goal, you'll only turn off people who may have been interested.

2.  Exposing your baggage

We've all got baggage, past relationships, past pain, but it's best not to put it out there at the start. Then potential matches are left wondering about your state of mental and emotional health... not a favorable first impression.

Exhibit 2A (This exhibit has been lightly proofread because, well, I can't help it):
I'm a dj that [has] been hurt many a time[s] in relationship[s] and I just want someone who [will] like me for me and wa[o]nt hurt me
Exhibit 2B:

Hopeless Romantic Just got out of a 10 year relationship

Wow, a 10-year relationship.... can we say rebound?

Exhibit 2C:
I don't know, It seems I'll be single forever.
Depressed, hopeless, desperate? Pick your poison. I won't, thanks.

And the NUMBER ONE dumbest thing that I have seen on guys' online dating profiles:

1. "No fatties."

Oh yes. OH YES. I have seen this. On more than one occasion. SURELY you can see that this will ONLY turn off women. Even the skinniest, prettiest women. This makes you look like a dick. A superficial dick. A superficial dick who doesn't understand how women think.