Top 5 Dumb Things on Guys' Online Dating Profiles

You would think that if you've taken the time, and maybe the money, to do online dating, you would actually want to find some measure of success. Based on some of the things I've seen on guys' profiles on Match, this is in fact not the case.

So here is a list of the top 5 stupid things that I have seen guys write. All excerpts are real, unmodified (for the most part) passages from male profiles on

5. Sarcastic "fake" profiles

This is when guys apparently think it is funny to create a completely fake (at least I hope, dear Lord I hope) profile. Either they are doing it to show their equally mature male friends with no intention of getting a response, or they hope some girl will find it funny.

Exhibit 5:
   I will pay you if you date me! I am clingy, jealous, and have terrible hygiene. I hate activities. Also, I cry a lot...especially at barbecues (i don't know why). Interesting fact: I love exotic foods. When I was 12 I ate my little sister's guinea pig to see what it tasted like.
   On our date we can discuss many interesting topics such as how my uncles would take pictures of me in the shower. Please don't be a big talker, I like to talk about myself so try and stay quiet.
   I just got out of a five year relationship. If you are wondering why, it was court ordered. I beat her but it was her fault. She always forgot to raise her hand before she spoke and sometimes she would wear obscene outfits where everyone could see her ankles...what a slut.
   Here are some testimonials from previous dates:
   "He said he was going to call but his dog ate my number, then aliens took his dog. I believe him." -Bertha

And believe me, there's more.

Humorous? Sometimes. But will it get him a date? Doubtful.

4. Being too cocky

Confidence is important and sexy, and you do have to try to modestly describe your best qualities to a complete stranger. But there's a fine line between confident and cocky. You cross into cocky when, for example, you start telling girls how good looking you are, even when there is photographic evidence to the contrary.

Exhibit 4:
just look at my picture and tell me how i look to me im very handsome man
 This one's full of grammatical errors, too. It illustrates various "what not to do"s.

3. Telling us right off the bat what you DON'T want.

Yes, you gotta have standards, but it's an immediate turn-off to hear something negative. I don't want to be berated for potentially having qualities that you don't want in a mate.

Exhibit 3A:
I can smell drama and problems from far away, and i refuse to allow entrance.
Exhibit 3B:
I ... am not looking for games or anything of that nature I would rather everyone know this now.. and not to waste my time if your a cheater/ or liar
Oh, well, I was planning on playing games with you. And once I was done playing games I was going to cheat on you repeatedly as I lied about it. BUT, since you told me that you don't want that, I won't bother contacting you. Thanks for letting me know.

Though I understand the impulse to ward off certain types of people, this isn't the way to do it. People don't set out to be mean, and rather than achieving your goal, you'll only turn off people who may have been interested.

2.  Exposing your baggage

We've all got baggage, past relationships, past pain, but it's best not to put it out there at the start. Then potential matches are left wondering about your state of mental and emotional health... not a favorable first impression.

Exhibit 2A (This exhibit has been lightly proofread because, well, I can't help it):
I'm a dj that [has] been hurt many a time[s] in relationship[s] and I just want someone who [will] like me for me and wa[o]nt hurt me
Exhibit 2B:

Hopeless Romantic Just got out of a 10 year relationship

Wow, a 10-year relationship.... can we say rebound?

Exhibit 2C:
I don't know, It seems I'll be single forever.
Depressed, hopeless, desperate? Pick your poison. I won't, thanks.

And the NUMBER ONE dumbest thing that I have seen on guys' online dating profiles:

1. "No fatties."

Oh yes. OH YES. I have seen this. On more than one occasion. SURELY you can see that this will ONLY turn off women. Even the skinniest, prettiest women. This makes you look like a dick. A superficial dick. A superficial dick who doesn't understand how women think.



  1. "BUT, since you told me that you don't want that, I won't bother contacting you. Thanks for letting me know."

    HA! Exactly! Like, the person who is a cheating lying bastard is going to take your internet "no cheaters please" warning to heart. Stupidhead.

    The thing I couldn't past the most was the grammatical errors. I mean, there was one guy who send me a message and started it with "I don't date ignorent black women." I mean sure I'm not black, he's a racist, and that must be the single dumbest opening line of ever, but he also spelled ignorant wrong. GRR.

    Perfectly compiled list.


  2. Found you on 20-something-bloggers, and am thrilled (and sad at the same time) to find someone else who understands the joys (insert sarcasm there) of trying to find love online. Hell, I'd settle for just a cool guy to hang out with, go to dinner with now and then, and participate in activities with. I am on two of the free dating sites, and thought that maybe the reason I found such ridiculous profiles on them was that if they're free, one can't really weed out the jackasses as much. You know, cause jackasses won't actually PAY for Right? Ha.

    Anyway, I intend on reading this blog regularly. And feeling a little less sorry for myself and the caliber of men that I have been finding on dating sites. Score!

  3. @Lor, WOW. I have never gotten anything that dumb in an actual message, just on their profiles... which everyone can see, rather than just one person.

    @sidny, yeah, you'd be surprised... some people are jackasses whether they have the money or not. It's disheartening and heartening at the same time to hear that people have similar experiences. On one hand, I'm glad it's not just me, but on the other hand, I wish this was a more successful venture on the whole!

  4. Shouldn't the subtitle be: 'It's hard to be awesome in a sea of mediocrity'? But you're probably right to use 'mediocre' because even reporters use pleaded in lieu of pled, sewed instead of sewn, and the proverbial 'Joe'd', when of course, Joan is much more suitable.

  5. "Pleaded" is actually the only correct past tense of "plead". "Pled" is a false conjugation based on the assumption that "plead" is conjugated in the same way as bleed, lead, read, etc. But it's not, because it came from a different language and entered English later than those other words, when different rules were in effect.

    The dictionaries that have begun to include it should really note that it's incorrect.


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