Tuesday, July 23, 2013

What Not to Write: A Perfect Specimen

I've posted before about online dating don'ts for men. I do it mostly in good fun, as I make no claim to be perfect or have a perfect profile. Everyone makes errors in judgment occasionally. Some are more egregious than others. Posting pictures that involve a lineup of people when I don't know who you are? Merits an eye roll, nothing more. Averaging 3 spelling mistakes per sentence? Deep, profound sigh.

But occasionally, a profile is so wrong, so off the mark, and so blazingly unaware that my first reaction is to burst out laughing. And then use it as the ultimate example of what not to write.

OkCupid Specimen: What Not to Write 

 


I would like you to use just one comma. Is that so much to ask for?

Apparently, yes.

Oh lordy, where to begin? Oh right, commas. And apostrophes. Where to continue?

Let's go with insulting the reader. The reader, presumably, is a woman on OkCupid. According to you, this means she is one of several things: drunk, crazy, a whore, a little girl, or a snooty, upity [sic] dame. Wow, you know how to make a girl feel special. (By the way, is this 1950? Because that's the last time I heard the word "dame.")

Let's address the negativity. What you say: You are fed up, sick of taking time to message people, and much to buzy. (Ow. That hurt my brain to type.) What I see: You hate women, are bitter and cynical, and don't know how to spell.

What else? I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on the apparent ignorance of how to use a comma.


OMG. WHAT?! Are you serious? You totally know how to use a comma! You've been holding out on me!

It's kind of a given that people prefer partners who have neither diseases nor felonies. Putting it in the same category as sweet and fun seems a little... distasteful.

By the way, "car" is not a criterion.


Looks like we forgot about capital letters this time. Also decorum, as you've essentially said "no fatties." Not to mention the fact that you want to spend ALL YOUR FREE TIME with your lady. Most girls would like a break to at least go to the bathroom or something.


I don't... I don't even... Is this real life?

I swear, I am not making this up.


PHEW. Thank goodness for that reassurance. And it's a good thing he included the polite "thank you" at the end or the whole thing might have felt a little desperate.

Hey, you know what, at least he is consistent in his misspelling of "buzy."


We can now add Exhibit F to the evidence of his deep, abiding respect for women.

Wait, guys, I was wrong. He was totally kidding. I almost missed the smiley face with the tongue sticking out at the end.

And now, for the the icing on the cake, the cherry on top, the caramelized sugar on the crème brûlée, and every other dessert cliché that applies...


Not a lot of people know that? I wonder why that is? Perhaps because it's not a topic you bring up to just anybody. Jail and DUIs aren't exactly dinner party fodder. But it's definitely appropriate to tell a bunch of random women on the internet who are currently forming an interesting first impression of you.

A person who complains about his or her crazy ex(es) right off the bat automatically has baggage. Of course we all have past experiences that we rather regret or would rather forget, but waving it in front of a potential mate's face just screams I'M BITTER. Not exactly a positive quality.

With a laundry list of exes who are felons, bimbos, crazies, and whores, maybe the common denominator is you.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

This is it. And that's intimidating.

I feel like I'm buzzing with potential, yet not going anywhere with it. I want to be creative. I have the desire, but I lack the inspiration.

I frequently feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm wasting my life. I'm not living in the moment. I'm sort of... waiting. Waiting for life to start. 

I don't want to look back on these years, the years that everyone calls the prime of my life in so many ways, and feel as though I've wasted them on the internet, or laying in bed, and waiting for life to start.

Life is here. Right now. It's happening as I sit here in my newly laundered sheets, wearing my college sweatpants, drinking a makeshift blood orange cosmo at 11:30 p.m. on a Friday. I'm 26. I'm almost 26 and a half. This is it.

All we have is the present. This is it. We don't live in the past. Or in the future. I'm trying, every day, to live in the moment. And it's so much harder than you might think.

There is a man (as there always is) who I've spent a great deal of time thinking about, and who has influenced me in a lot of ways. At the beginning, I thought, "This is it. This is the man I'm going to marry." I'd never met anyone who I'd felt so connected to on so many levels. Same sense of humor, same thought patterns, same neuroses, similar interests... and of course, a wild physical attraction.

Sadly, marriage was not in the cards with this man. He didn't have the strong feelings that I did. And he was completely honest about it.

Now, usually when I receive clear verbal communication that a man is not interested, I'm able to move on. I'm sad for awhile, and then it's over. With this man, I've struggled more than I ever have to move on. For a long time, I was unable to stop thinking about him.

Being the natural-born analyzer that I am, I've asked myself why this man has had such a hold on my psyche. Part of the problem is that I've remained "friends" with him. I was unwilling to relinquish all contact with him. So we're Facebook friends, and we talk on occasion (although only when I initiate).

However, it's more than that. Because of the connection I felt with him, my interactions with all other men (at this time) seem, well... insufficient. It's not that the men themselves are insufficient. It's the feelings. The connection... or lack thereof. I feel as though I've had a taste of what I'm supposed to feel like with a man, and anything less is just not gonna do it for me.

It's like I've had Ketel One, and now Burnett's just ain't cutting it. I've splurged on the $200 hair salon, and now I can't bring myself to return to Hair Cuttery.

There's also a third part of this man's hold on me that brings me back to the original point of the post. This man is talented, driven, and tireless. He has a great job, his dream job, in fact. And yet he pursues additional passions on the side. He's a tremendous writer and performer, and he actually brings his creative ideas to life.

When a man is worthy of admiration, the saying goes that men want to be him, and women want to be with him. In this case, I want both. And since being with him is not an option, perhaps his role in my life is to inspire me to be the person I know that I'm capable of being. To help me figure out my goals, and then go achieve them.

When I think about what he's accomplished, it makes me want to write. To perform. To create. To be worthy of the admiration that I (and many others) feel for him. To stop waiting and wasting, and instead achieve greatness.

I have hope that one day I'll meet someone else who makes me feel the way he did. Until then, I will try to concentrate on myself and my goals. It's a hard thing to do. Something I've struggled with a lot. But since all I have is now, I'm trying to make now count. Because this is it.