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What Not to Write: A Perfect Specimen

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I've posted before about online dating don'ts for men. I do it mostly in good fun, as I make no claim to be perfect or have a perfect profile. Everyone makes errors in judgment occasionally. Some are more egregious than others. Posting pictures that involve a lineup of people when I don't know who you are? Merits an eye roll, nothing more. Averaging 3 spelling mistakes per sentence? Deep, profound sigh.

But occasionally, a profile is so wrong, so off the mark, and so blazingly unaware that my first reaction is to burst out laughing. And then use it as the ultimate example of what not to write.

OkCupid Specimen: What Not to Write 
I would like you to use just one comma. Is that so much to ask for?

Apparently, yes.

Oh lordy, where to begin? Oh right, commas. And apostrophes. Where to continue?

Let's go with insulting the reader. The reader, presumably, is a woman on OkCupid. According to you, this means she is one of several things: drunk, crazy, a whore, a little girl, …

This is it. And that's intimidating.

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I feel like I'm buzzing with potential, yet not going anywhere with it. I want to be creative. I have the desire, but I lack the inspiration.

I frequently feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm wasting my life. I'm not living in the moment. I'm sort of... waiting. Waiting for life to start. 

I don't want to look back on these years, the years that everyone calls the prime of my life in so many ways, and feel as though I've wasted them on the internet, or laying in bed, and waiting for life to start.

Life is here. Right now. It's happening as I sit here in my newly laundered sheets, wearing my college sweatpants, drinking a makeshift blood orange cosmo at 11:30 p.m. on a Friday. I'm 26. I'm almost 26 and a half. This is it.

All we have is the present. This is it. We don't live in the past. Or in the future. I'm trying, every day, to live in the moment. And it's so much harder than you might think.

There is a man (as there alw…