Tuesday, July 23, 2013

What Not to Write: A Perfect Specimen

I've posted before about online dating don'ts for men. I do it mostly in good fun, as I make no claim to be perfect or have a perfect profile. Everyone makes errors in judgment occasionally. Some are more egregious than others. Posting pictures that involve a lineup of people when I don't know who you are? Merits an eye roll, nothing more. Averaging 3 spelling mistakes per sentence? Deep, profound sigh.

But occasionally, a profile is so wrong, so off the mark, and so blazingly unaware that my first reaction is to burst out laughing. And then use it as the ultimate example of what not to write.

OkCupid Specimen: What Not to Write 

 


I would like you to use just one comma. Is that so much to ask for?

Apparently, yes.

Oh lordy, where to begin? Oh right, commas. And apostrophes. Where to continue?

Let's go with insulting the reader. The reader, presumably, is a woman on OkCupid. According to you, this means she is one of several things: drunk, crazy, a whore, a little girl, or a snooty, upity [sic] dame. Wow, you know how to make a girl feel special. (By the way, is this 1950? Because that's the last time I heard the word "dame.")

Let's address the negativity. What you say: You are fed up, sick of taking time to message people, and much to buzy. (Ow. That hurt my brain to type.) What I see: You hate women, are bitter and cynical, and don't know how to spell.

What else? I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on the apparent ignorance of how to use a comma.


OMG. WHAT?! Are you serious? You totally know how to use a comma! You've been holding out on me!

It's kind of a given that people prefer partners who have neither diseases nor felonies. Putting it in the same category as sweet and fun seems a little... distasteful.

By the way, "car" is not a criterion.


Looks like we forgot about capital letters this time. Also decorum, as you've essentially said "no fatties." Not to mention the fact that you want to spend ALL YOUR FREE TIME with your lady. Most girls would like a break to at least go to the bathroom or something.


I don't... I don't even... Is this real life?

I swear, I am not making this up.


PHEW. Thank goodness for that reassurance. And it's a good thing he included the polite "thank you" at the end or the whole thing might have felt a little desperate.

Hey, you know what, at least he is consistent in his misspelling of "buzy."


We can now add Exhibit F to the evidence of his deep, abiding respect for women.

Wait, guys, I was wrong. He was totally kidding. I almost missed the smiley face with the tongue sticking out at the end.

And now, for the the icing on the cake, the cherry on top, the caramelized sugar on the crème brûlée, and every other dessert cliché that applies...


Not a lot of people know that? I wonder why that is? Perhaps because it's not a topic you bring up to just anybody. Jail and DUIs aren't exactly dinner party fodder. But it's definitely appropriate to tell a bunch of random women on the internet who are currently forming an interesting first impression of you.

A person who complains about his or her crazy ex(es) right off the bat automatically has baggage. Of course we all have past experiences that we rather regret or would rather forget, but waving it in front of a potential mate's face just screams I'M BITTER. Not exactly a positive quality.

With a laundry list of exes who are felons, bimbos, crazies, and whores, maybe the common denominator is you.