Saturday, August 9, 2014

I scared away my date with my poop.

Did you know girls poop?

Apparently my most recent date didn't.

Who wouldn't want to come home to
this every day?
Third date with a new guy. In my opinion, it wasn't really long-term potential, because this guy didn't want kids (I do) and didn't particularly like pets (you may know about my love of cats).

But, he and I had good conversation, and what I thought was decent chemistry, so I thought I would just have some fun in the short term. On our first two dates, we went out to dinner, and at the end of the second date, he came to my place for a brief, fun make-out session.

Third date was tonight. He came over to my place again. We talked for a little while. At one point he said something that kind of annoyed me, and then attempted to kiss me, so I was a bit lean-away-and-face-forward-ish. He got the hint and we started talking again, in a fun way. We were both laughing and having a good time. I was planning to start kissing him again soon.

First, though, I need to take care of something. My stomach was not happy.

"Eff you," said my stomach. "I don't care that you have a date over and you live in an apartment with one bathroom," he said with a sneer. "You do what I say, bitch." My stomach is a jerk.

I used the bathroom, which is something that humans do. I did everything possible to hide it, including flushing several times and spraying the tiny bathroom with Glade. A lot of Glade.

Of course, as soon as I came out, he needed to pee. How do you say, "Please don't. Can you give it five minutes?" without him knowing you totally just pooped?

You can't. So, I said nothing.

He comes out, and out of the blue, says that he needs to make it an early night, even though he hasn't even been here for 2 hours, and it's Saturday. After a pause, he says:

"You're an awesome person, but I think we just don't have the chemistry here."

Huh? You just tried to kiss me, like, 20 minutes ago.
Because I'm not a shy wilting petunia, I can't help but say something back. "I have to say, I'm kind of surprised. I don't have a problem with what you're saying, but I feel like this really came out of nowhere. Is this something you're feeling, or something you felt from me?"

I'm genuinely confused.

He mumbled something about it just being this intangible thing. "This kind of thing is just hard, you know?" and almost tripped himself trying to leave.

I conclude that he must have had an epiphany in my tiny bathroom.

I scared away my date with my poop.

Bye. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. Which, coincidentally, is where poop comes from.

Even from girls.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Why Jobs and Relationships are the Same Thing

I'm in an abusive relationship with my job.

It treats me terribly, and I know it, but until recently I haven't had the guts to work toward leaving it. I've made all the excuses that one tells oneself in an abusive human relationship.

Stress ReductionIt doesn't mean to hurt me; it's just stressed out. When a company is in financial trouble, as mine has been, those in charge start to take desperate measures to work their way out of the hole. The casualties, of course, are overworked, underpaid employees. The implication is that if we just work a little harder, a little longer, we can dig our way out. The whispered threat being that if the company doesn't start to improve, it's kind of our own fault.

Well, the job does have some good qualities. I love my boss and my coworkers. I enjoy the work I do. Really. So what if I haven't had a raise in 5 years, there's no room for growth, the upper management seems neither to respect nor even notice the work we do, and the company might not make it another 5 years?

Wincing, that leads to thoughts like...

It's probably not better with anyone else. Every company has problems. What if I jump out the frying pan into the fire? I may as well stick to the evil I know, right?

With the love and support and slapping of family and friends, I finally am applying to other jobs with cautious optimism. Unfortunately, I forgot how much the job searching process can be aggravating and soul-crushing. Just like online dating!

Resume? Cover letter? Just like your online dating profile. You list your best qualities and pertinent experiences, along with your goals and a little bit of bragging, and see who wants to date you. I mean hire you.

victory shakeIf you get to an interview, it's both exciting and nerve-wracking. Will you like them? Will they like you? How is this different from a first date? It's the exact. Same. Thing. You ask each other questions and later assess the vibe. Did you get along? Did they like you? Were you attracted to them? (What? Sometimes the Human Resources manager is really hot.)

Afterwards, you wait to hear if they call you back. If they don't like you, the decent thing for them to do is to tell you, but that never happens. The majority of the time, you never hear back. So it's back to the applications and stupid messages that no one likes to send. Don't ever get your hopes up prematurely. Odds are, it's not The One.

But OMG sometimes you get a boyfriend! Or a job! And then your favorite coworkers become like significant others. You spend so much time with them that you equally love and hate them. You defend them, yet complain about them. You put up with their annoying habits because the sex is great. (No? It's just me? Whatever.)

Your relationship with your job can be draining or fulfilling. Sometimes both. Like a human relationship, it has its ups and downs. You can change jobs every couple years, or stay with one 'til you expire retire. But the biggest thing to remember about a boyfriend, husband, or job - it's a big part of your life, but don't let it become your whole life.

A lot of things in my life are due to change soon. Can't wait to see what—and who—the future brings me.
If this fortune cookie is any indication, things are going
to change a lot more than I thought.