Saturday, August 9, 2014

I scared away my date with my poop.

Did you know girls poop?

Apparently my most recent date didn't.

Who wouldn't want to come home to
this every day?
Third date with a new guy. In my opinion, it wasn't really long-term potential, because this guy didn't want kids (I do) and didn't particularly like pets (you may know about my love of cats).

But, he and I had good conversation, and what I thought was decent chemistry, so I thought I would just have some fun in the short term. On our first two dates, we went out to dinner, and at the end of the second date, he came to my place for a brief, fun make-out session.

Third date was tonight. He came over to my place again. We talked for a little while. At one point he said something that kind of annoyed me, and then attempted to kiss me, so I was a bit lean-away-and-face-forward-ish. He got the hint and we started talking again, in a fun way. We were both laughing and having a good time. I was planning to start kissing him again soon.

First, though, I need to take care of something. My stomach was not happy.

"Eff you," said my stomach. "I don't care that you have a date over and you live in an apartment with one bathroom," he said with a sneer. "You do what I say, bitch." My stomach is a jerk.

I used the bathroom, which is something that humans do. I did everything possible to hide it, including flushing several times and spraying the tiny bathroom with Glade. A lot of Glade.

Of course, as soon as I came out, he needed to pee. How do you say, "Please don't. Can you give it five minutes?" without him knowing you totally just pooped?

You can't. So, I said nothing.

He comes out, and out of the blue, says that he needs to make it an early night, even though he hasn't even been here for 2 hours, and it's Saturday. After a pause, he says:

"You're an awesome person, but I think we just don't have the chemistry here."

Huh? You just tried to kiss me, like, 20 minutes ago.
Because I'm not a shy wilting petunia, I can't help but say something back. "I have to say, I'm kind of surprised. I don't have a problem with what you're saying, but I feel like this really came out of nowhere. Is this something you're feeling, or something you felt from me?"

I'm genuinely confused.

He mumbled something about it just being this intangible thing. "This kind of thing is just hard, you know?" and almost tripped himself trying to leave.

I conclude that he must have had an epiphany in my tiny bathroom.

I scared away my date with my poop.

Bye. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. Which, coincidentally, is where poop comes from.

Even from girls.
BYE BYE

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